If you were a bird, and lived on high,
You’d lean on the wind when the wind came by,
You’d say to the wind when it took you away:
“That’s where I wanted to go today!”
Good evening my loves. 🙂 I must warn you this is not the usual post.. I am sorry in advance.
Ever get that feeling where you either want to curl up and be alone or stand in the wind with your arms spread and hope it would whisk you to where you want to be?
I do.. and right now at this very moment, I want to be at home, I have found myself since last night feeling like something is missing and for the first time in months, I actually cried hard and said out loud that I want my mum, I know it sounds childish as I am 27 for godsake but as I explained in a very long post ago, my mother and I were once close, in fact our entire family was but things over the years tore us all apart in different way and now I am here. Yesterday I got to speak to her over Skype and we talked just like we used too, then she turned on the camera and I was appalled and heartbroken to see her in her state, see she recently had an angina attack and so I thought recovered well… Just looking at her I had to hold back my tears because if I cry, she cries then I cry more, everyone else gets involved and we all cry lol that is very true and proves that is someway our family is still as close as we were all those years ago but my mum she was very thin in the face and had lost a ton of weight, she has never been a big eater but it was certainly showing and now I am stuck, stuck even more now with what to do, if I leave here my darling will not be able to come with me yet as he has started a new job and in all honesty I don’t think I have the strength to just go without him, do I sound selfish?
You see he has helped me with so much as I too had an eating disorder which caused me to faint and completely mess up my body. My mind constantly tortured by things that happened to me as a child, yet for all of two years this man has stuck through me through it all, even when my family have ignored me for months and then out of the blue accuse me of something, the countless nights he has stayed up with me when bad thoughts have crept up on me and almost made me do something stupid but yet he still manages to wake up and go to work and come home and just make sure I’m okay. From what started as a relationship online and brought us together in real life and changed my life, both our lives for it all to just be snatched away and go back to how it was, I know my heart just couldn’t bear that thought… but I also know that I have to go back.
My worse fear is being too late, my mum and I have had our differences but at the end of the day she is still my mum.
I just know that I don’t want a message through Facebook of all places to be the one to tell me if anything happens to her again and everyday it’s scaring me more.
I am not asking for sympathy, so please don’t take this post that way, just sometimes, I need to let it out and these pictures also helped, for once I guess I finally did one that reflects how I feel to an extent,
Thank you for reading, I am sorry if it seemed like a bit of a drag, maybe I will figure all this out soon, my head and heart have been at war far too long now.